It is once again May, which is Mental Health Awareness month, and let me tell you, I have some stuff to unpack.
After struggling for years to find correct medication and therapy that would work, I decided to go back in and get rediagnosed based on a recommendation from my therapist at the time. I was always running into the same issue with medication; it would work for a few months and then it would always backfire and make me violently ill. Headaches, nausea, vomiting, passing out, increased symptoms, etc. It was awful. It made me feel hopeless and I wanted to give up. Just not treat what was going on with me and just keep dealing with it. Until my therapist suggested that there could be something more going on, more with a diagnosis and that I may have been misdiagnosed and overlooked. So I made an appointment and a few months later I had my answer.
Bipolar Disorder was something that got passed around when I was first diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but it was always put aside because I was still a teenager. You see, it’s heavily recommended to not diagnose a child or teenager with bipolar because of mood swings caused by puberty and growing up. So when that was my first diagnosis given in September, I was a bit upset knowing that it was the correct result. It made me feel like there could have been so much more done or that I could’ve been treated better, but I’m just grateful that I know now. The scary part of all of this was the end of my results appointment; where I was told that I should take a personality disorder test.
That was a big ball that dropped on my head. A personality disorder. The more that I thought about it, the more that I understood and that it made sense. In fact, as a psych minor, two of my favorite classes were personality dynamics and psychotherapy. I remember when we got to Borderline and when going over the symptoms, I’ll admit I was a bit curious but I brushed it off. The testing process for a personality disorder goes in 3 rounds. The first round is a 400 or so questionnaire that you complete on a computer. It usually takes around 2 hours or so to complete. The next round is an in-person questioning where you’re asked many personal questions based on the computer results. The last round is where you’re told your results and your options for future treatment and medication if it is so needed. They walk you through the DSM as well as helping you understand that it doesn’t change who you are. My results were Borderline Personality Disorder.
I want to shed awareness on these two disorders because they’re both similar, yet have their differences. Bipolar is most commonly known as either Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2. Bipolar 1 includes “manic episodes that last at least 7 days, or by manic symptoms that are so severe that the person needs immediate hospital care. Usually, depressive episodes occur as well, typically lasting at least 2 weeks. Episodes of depression with mixed features (having depression and manic symptoms at the same time) are also possible.” (National Institute of Mental Health). Whereas Bipolar 2 includes ” a pattern of depressive episodes and hypomanic episodes, but not the full-blown manic episodes described above.” (National Institute of Mental Health). I have the latter, but it’s very common for me to experience a range of manic and depressive episodes at the same time. I can have both episodes on the same day in a matter of hours. It’s extremely exhausting and causes a great deal of stress in my life when I think about needing to go about daily tasks. There will also be prolonged periods of time where I am in a depressive or manic episode that can last for days at a time. With manic episodes, mine are categorized by excessive cleaning and not sleeping, or having so much energy that I have to do everything at once. Whereas my depressive episodes result in a lot of crying, or none at all, and not being able to get out of bed or out of my chair. This is more than just feeling happy and sad all the time, this truly hurts being able to function each day. Thankfully, I was able to find a medication that has worked wonders for me. It doesn’t numb my feelings, instead, it just balances out the highs and lows. Now, my highs aren’t excessive, and my lows aren’t drastic.
Now onto Borderline Personality Disorder. This is one that has been a struggle to not accept as my identity.. It’s hard to not classify myself by these symptoms because sometimes it feels like nothing will ever change no matter what I do. Using the National Institute of Mental Health again, Borderline Personality Disorder is “marked by an ongoing pattern of varying moods, self-image, and behavior. These symptoms often result in impulsive actions and problems in relationships. People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense episodes of anger, depression, and anxiety that can last from a few hours to days.” The symptoms that can follow this disorder are as follows –
- Efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, such as rapidly initiating intimate (physical or emotional) relationships or cutting off communication with someone in anticipation of being abandoned
- A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
- Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
- Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. Please note: If these behaviors occur primarily during a period of elevated mood or energy, they may be signs of a mood disorder—not borderline personality disorder
- Self-harming behavior, such as cutting
- Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats
- Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days
- Chronic feelings of emptiness
- Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger
- Difficulty trusting, which is sometimes accompanied by irrational fear of other people’s intentions
- Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, seeing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality
When I got the results of this diagnosis, everything made sense to me. Everything that my psychologist was explaining made sense. There wasn’t a single thing that stood out to me as being wrong. Which is why it’s hard to not define myself by this personality disorder, because in the hardest times, I feel it is my entire personality. But I know it’s not. I know there are many other aspects to my personality that are simply apart of who I am. And that’s how I see this diagnosis. Just a part of who I am and something I’m going to live with. I can always continue to work on myself and being better in the areas I feel I can improve on. I don’t need to let this diagnosis control my life.
That being said, I am not afraid to say that I have these two disorders because I know it does not define my being. It’s simply a diagnosis that helps explain some difficulties in my life that I experience. I see it as a guide to getting better and receiving better help whether it’s through medication or therapy. I’m comfortable talking about them because I want more people to be educated with mental health. I know my family and friends care for me no matter what and that this doesn’t change anything.
So this is my mental health awareness. My name is Halie Adena Weaving, and I have Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. And it’s okay. I’m okay. I’m still human and my diagnoses don’t define me.
Argle-Bargle & Blatherskite 