Single Bells, Single Bells. Singling all the way

Now this isn’t a post to complain about being single; hell I love it. Because for the first time in 4 YEARS, I’m single on Christmas.

4 YEARS

Now if you do those calculations, the last time this happened I was in 8th grade. This just suddenly came to me while watching SNL currently.

And lately I’ve just been seeing so many posts on facebook and on thought catalog about being alone for the holiday, but I’m not alone. I’m surrounded by love and friends and family. Christmas Eve will be spent at my Aunt’s house with the younglings (Me as the youngest) playing Clue. Christmas Day will be spent at my home where there will be dog love all around. Christmas music played on piano and perhaps flute and absolutely sung.

Not to mention I couldn’t imagine even having a significant other while I’m in college right now. With everything that I barely have time to do, how would I have time for anyone else? I barely see any of my friends as it is since I’m locked in my room doing homework or locked in a practice room working on my flute piece.

Not to mention that I’m a huge believer now of the saying “You can’t love anyone else if you can’t love yourself” and I’m so far from loving myself that I can barely love my eyeliner. And that’s saying something because, as most of my friends know, it’s the only thing I take pride in.

Now this isn’t to say that I don’t have someone I care about, I do. But that’s no one’s business but mine. But I can also say that it’s never going to happen. Alas – it’s for the better good anyways.

Anyways, I just thought that it’s been 4 years since a family-focused holiday. And I think it’s beautiful. Of course, I’m not insulting anyone who is in a relationship during the holidays – I mean, my entire family here is a couple. Well…no actually yeah. That’s true. I’ll be the only one. But anyways, back to my point. Props to anyone who is dating while in college, like damn how are you doing that?

Well, this might be my first rant post on my blog. Have a Happy Holidays everyone and a wonderful Merry Christmas.

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Sometimes I can’t tell if my Psychology Prof. is teaching us or analyzing us.

This past Semester I took a Psychology 111 course with a professor who we will call Dr. K. Now, Dr. K is a part-time professor and his full-time job is working at Prairie Saint Johns. I enjoyed his class so much that I signed up for his Personality Dynamic class next semester once again at 8:00 a.m on Tuesday and Thursdays for an hour and a half. One class hour, I counted how many times he said his signature phrase “You get the picture”. My final tally was 48 times in 1 class hour. I just wanted to dedicate a post to the amazing things that this professor has said during my class.

  1. My hatred of you keeps me coming back (this wasn’t directed at my class, this was something a client of his said to him)
  2. Does that make you uncomfortable?
  3. Stealing candy from a baby is actually really disgusting if you think about where that dirty mouth has been
  4. The reason why the poly glass is there while the baby walks across to their mother is because we don’t really like dropping babies
  5. Teenagers can have a lot of issues when it comes to sexual intercourse. Physically and mentally.
  6. Don’t you miss the good old times when you could run around naked and not worry about society’s morals?
  7. Deep down inside you really want to kill and eat your roommate because you’re hungry, but why don’t you just go to McDonalds?
  8. Eating your roommate is probably much better for your health than McDonalds though
  9. Why did you break into your neighbor’s house and get busted for shoplifting?
  10. And he chased us around the house with a knife, which was a little disconcerting
  11. Rage is like anger on steroids
  12. Kid, Kid, Kid. I shouldn’t put KKK should I?
  13. Our cat has a real obesity problem. Imagine an orange basketball with four legs
  14. Cats can’t be trained because they’re too stupid
  15. You’re far less likely to get sued if your client likes you
  16. You’re happy. It’s finals week. You get to go home, get some Christmas presents, get some cookies, wash some clothes.
  17. Anyone else can answer as well, Hal doesn’t have all of the answers (I go by Hal in this class because there are 4 Halies)
  18. We pay a lot of money to keep people who want to kill us in a building that we think should be comfortable for them.
  19. I don’t even understand Freud
  20. You get the picture

So thank you Professor K. for giving me a daily laugh and becoming part of my “Favorite Persons” list. I can’t wait to come back next semester and see what you to say then. Cheers!

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Breakdown #1

And so it has begun.

Countdown TI 11 days until I go home for Christmas Break

Countdown TI 10 days before I re-pack and then unpack in my new single room

Countdown TI 8 days to newly founded Hell Week Finals

And the day before all of this counting down begins, I’m already down with 2 mental breakdowns for the day.

I knew college was going to be hard before classes even started and before I even arrived during orientation week. But nothing could have prepared me for the helplessness and hopelessness I continually feel each and every day when it comes to getting up each morning.

  1. I currently am running a 101-degree fever
  2. I have my final draft of my major research paper due on Friday
  3. I need to study and review for Music Theory while keeping up with the new material that we are still learning
  4. I need to read my last Psychology chapter and start reviewing for the final
  5. I need to find my lost perspectives essay in order to include it in my course portfolio (and if all else fails, I then retype the entire 8-page paper)
  6. I need to start a presentation on childhood sexual abuse and the neurological and psychological effects that take place after it for my Inquiry final (this is also my major research paper)
  7. I need to make my secret Santa present for my floor exchange
  8. I need to make my secret Santa present for my Flute sectional exchange
  9. I need to start packing boxes for my new room
  10. I need to practice my tour music for Concordia Band
  11. I need to practice my flute choir music for my concert Saturday
  12. I need to practice my jury piece that I just received today and am performing in a week
  13. I need to perform a concert on Saturday
  14. I must go to a piano recital on Saturday for my last stamp on my stamp card (that and in order to not kill my mind)
  15. I need to find time to eat a decent meal since I haven’t been doing that for 2 weeks now
  16. I need to go out and buy supplies for my secret Santa gifts
  17. I need to go out and buy groceries because I won’t have time to leave my room
  18. I need to find time to sleep since I haven’t been doing that well either lately
  19. I need to finalize my schedule for next semester
  20. I need to not have another mental breakdown
  21. I need to practice all of my home exercises for physical therapy
  22. I need to go to my scheduled physical therapy appointments

I couldn’t be more blessed for the opportunity to study at Concordia College and explore my love of music and make a career out of it, but these next 2 weeks might actually kill me. I don’t think I can make it, and if I do make it, it won’t be with flying colours. Not to mention I am all out of my migraine medication and my anxiety medication.

My goals for this week and next are as follows

  1. Don’t kill my mind
  2. Don’t die
  3. Do my homework
  4. Study for finals
  5. Pass my finals
  6. Hopefully, pass all of my classes because of passing my finals
  7. Don’t relapse
  8. Don’t give up
  9. Don’t hurt anyone verbally or physically
  10. Don’t lose the little sanity I have left right now

I hope everyone else has a very safe 2 weeks and manages through their finals without harming themselves or anyone else. As I cannot promise any of those, I will just conclude by saying,

I can sure as hell try but it probably won’t happen.

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Secrets at Night

Everyone has those nights where they lie in bed for hours either staring at the ceiling or with their eyes closed. It brings new meaning to “Just resting your eyes”. Everyone has experienced some sort of event like this where your mind just won’t shut down. Recently, my events have taken a toll on my own physical health to the point to where I’m not sleeping anymore because of how much I am thinking.

For example, last night, it started out with an embarrassing moment from Kindergarten where I called another classmate a dumbass. Yes I know, such vulgar language for such a young child. My mind then moved onto other embarrassing details to the point where it reached 6th grade. This was when the thoughts turned into nightmares and this is when I actually fell asleep. I wish I had never fallen asleep because I’ve been walking on eggshells all day.

My brain took the path of 6th grade along the lines of the bullying I was subjected to everyday. It’s almost as if I relived that entire grade in the matter of an hour of “sleep”. When I woke up, my entire body was sore and painful, almost as if I had actually relived the physical bullying I had received. Like being thrown against a brick wall, pushed into a locker, or being pushed down 2 flights of stairs where I crashed into another brick wall at the bottom of my trip. When I woke up, I had a massive migraine and an extremely sore back. I couldn’t get a proper footing climbing down my bunk bed and managed to fall onto the ground. Needless to say, with my injured leg of over 3 months, this was extremely painful.

It’s almost as if that these night terrors take a physical toll on me as well as mental. Hours later at 7 p.m, my migraine still has not gone away even though I have taken my medication, and my back is still very sensitive. People continuously asked me all day why I was in such pain. I just simply said that I must have slept wrong. But I know this to not be true.

I slept on my back all night, still as a log, but my mind took it’s toll on me and managed to affect me physically. I still don’t understand why but I feel it may have something to do with the tension a body undergoes during stress and fear.

But sadly, telling the person “I had night terrors all night and my body was under the stress all night and now I’m in physical pain because of issues my mind cannot seem to recover from, not matter how much help I receive.” isn’t the proper response.

So, as far as everybody should be concerned with, I simply slept wrong.12190130_1191457397534603_8331706759306819721_n

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