My reality is something I’m forced to face

I know it’s been said before, numerous ways by different people, and that it’s not an uncommon thing to say in this generation, but I hate myself. I truly do. I can name at least 10 things I hate about myself in less than 5 minutes but I can’t name at least 3 things I like about myself without taking an uncomfortable amount of time. I’ve made counselors uncomfortable because I could never complete that “What do you like about yourself” activity. Then they would change the topic and move on. I once had a counselor forbid me to use the phrase “I guess” in therapy. She would explain something logically, for example trying to make me care about my well being. My response would simply be “I guess”. She really did hate that phrase. I stopped saying it for the time I was in counseling, but it came back to me like a natural instinct of a bad addiction.

I look at myself and I recognize I am not what society deems as “beautiful”. I recognize that. Why? Because I am slightly above average in height, I’m all leg and arm (basically a gangly giraffe who didn’t grow into their height), and I have rather tiny feet that look disproportionate compared to my legs. I’m also not their definition of thin as I have curves which, while they are making a comeback, are not ideal in this day in age society. There is the main reason why I recognize that I am not deemed beautiful. It is the scars that line both of my arms and the words that you can read if you look hard enough. It is the scars on my hand that people always ask about, and I never have an acceptable lie to tell them. Because you can’t simply say “I have panic attacks and when I have one, I scratch the skin off of my hand with my nails”. No, this isn’t an answer a stranger wants to hear. I also have stretch marks. Yes I am 18 and I have stretch marks, and the reason behind this is simple, I’ve struggled with an eating disorder since I was in 6th grade. I have lost a lot of weight, I’ve been forced to regain that weight, then I’ve lost it again quite suddenly, and then the cycle repeats itself. So no, I’m not “beautiful” by society’s definitions.

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I don’t think it’s society that has influenced my opinion of myself, and if it has, then it’s unconscious. I dislike myself for more than just my appearance, I dislike myself for my personality, my mood, my lack of interactions, my lack of energy etc. I could go on and on, but it gets ridiculous. I don’t know why I feel this hate towards my very own being, I’ve tried to learn to love myself, I really have. I mean, I’ve accepted the scars on my hands and arms as just a part of me, and I’ve accepted the fact that I’m gangly in legs and arms and will most certainly run into inanimate objects during the day. But for some reason, despite me being happy during points in my life, I still cannot love myself. Maybe it’s from the thoughts of suicide or of worthlessness, I honestly can’t tell you.

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All I know is that I’ve accepted my fate. I know I’m never going to fully like myself. I’ve recognized this. But it doesn’t inhibit me from trying to love myself. I don’t like being miserable all the time you know. The only reason why I may seem cold and unfeeling is mostly because I’m hurting on the inside or I simply am feeling numb. I don’t know which feeling is worse to be honest.

So, this is my fate I suppose. I don’t think I’ll not ever change, rather, on the contrary, I think I will change, even if it’s just a little bit. My opinion could change, maybe I will wake up one day and not accept my fate and try a little bit harder. But until then, please don’t try to make me change my mind and hound me with constant praise. Because I don’t believe you. Whenever you say something like that, I will say thank you, but only because I’m being polite. So for now, I’ll keep doing me until someday I find a better way to do it. And with that, my final words on this topic are,

“Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.” Aurelius

 

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“If people want to know who I am, it is all in the work” – Alan Rickman

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Everyone raise your wands for the death of a beloved actor and human being.

Normally, I don’t cry for celebrity deaths. I shed a few tears for my most beloved musicians, poets/authors, or actors, but I never cry. This morning, I found this news out 10 minutes before my psychology class began, and it took all of my strength not to break down bawling. I had my mother and many of my friends text me and ask me if I was okay, and I couldn’t answer. I still can’t. Alan Rickman is, was and will continue to be my favorite actor of all time. He made me fall in love with the roles he played, mainly one of Severus Tobias Snape. When I first read the Harry Potter books, I disliked Snape, but then grew to like him around the 3rd book. It wasn’t until I saw Alan Rickman portray him in Philosopher’s Stone that I fell in love. When you are a child, there is that one person that makes you realize feelings or a certain admiration for a movie or book character, and  Severus Snape was mine. JK Rowlings creation of Severus was genius, but it was Alan Rickman who made me far too attached to the character. I still spend a good 15 minutes prior to Severus’s death in Pt. 2 of Deathly Hallows crying because my beloved character would soon pass. I found and discovered myself in Severus Snape and his life experiences and dedication. Because of Alan Rickman’s portrayal, I found myself wishing Severus Snape could be a real person, even to this day I still wish that. Alan Rickman is more than just Severus Snape, he is also a Shakespearean, Le Vicomte de Valmont in Les Liaisons Dangereuses, Hans Gruber in Die Hard, Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, a collaborator with Tim Burton in Sweeney Todd and Alice in Wonderland, King Louis XIV in A Little Chaos. There are so many other roles that he portrayed but there is something that was taken from these roles. Rickman gained the title as a “villain actor” which he disliked. He once said “I don’t see any of [my roles] as one word. It doesn’t matter what I’m playing: it’s not one word, and I think any actor would say the same.” He was also a director and writer of the one-woman play My Name is Rachel Corrie. Alan Rickman never grew tired of his life on the stage as he said, “Life has shifting horizons so you might as well keep swimming.”

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Alan Rickman gave me my love of theatre and the arts at a young age and I admired his work as well as the small details of a person that he let out to the public. Obviously, I do not know the man, let me state that, but I admire and respect him as an actor, director, writer, and person in general. Without him, I never would have had an interest in acting or the musical theatre.

Today, I broke down once I came to my dorm room and just started absolutely bawling. In fact, I’m still crying as I type this right now. It may seem ridiculous to some people, but when someone who has helped you realize a passion has passed away, it’s a similar feeling to being stabbed honestly.

"Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2" New York Premiere - Arrivals

NEW YORK, NY – JULY 11: (L-R) Alan Rickman, Tom Felton, Emma Watson, Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint and Matthew Lewis attend the New York premiere of “Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2” at Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center on July 11, 2011 in New York City. (Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images)

Obviously, the cast of Harry Potter is sharing their grief and loss in many ways. JK Rowling tweeted out this morning “There are no words to express how shocked and devastated I am to hear of Alan Rickman’s death. He was a magnificent actor & a wonderful man. — My thoughts are with Rima and the rest of Alan’s family. We have all lost a great talent. They have lost part of their hearts.”

Daniel Radcliffe posted

Alan Rickman is undoubtedly one of the greatest actors I will ever work with. He is also, one of the loyalest and most supportive people I’ve ever met in the film industry. He was so encouraging of me both on set and in the years post-Potter. I’m pretty sure he came and saw everything I ever did on stage both in London and New York. He didn’t have to do that. I know other people who’ve been friends with him for much much longer than I have and they all say “if you call Alan, it doesn’t matter where in the world he is or how busy he is with what he’s doing, he’ll get back to you within a day”.

People create perceptions of actors based on the parts they played so it might surprise some people to learn that contrary to some of the sterner(or downright scary) characters he played, Alan was extremely kind, generous, self-deprecating and funny. And certain things obviously became even funnier when delivered in his unmistakable double-bass.

As an actor he was one of the first of the adults on Potter to treat me like a peer rather than a child. Working with him at such a formative age was incredibly important and I will carry the lessons he taught me for the rest of my life and career. Film sets and theatre stages are all far poorer for the loss of this great actor and man.

Emma Watson posted “I’m very sad to hear about Alan today. I feel so lucky to have worked and spent time with such a special man and actor. I’ll really miss our conversations. RIP Alan. We love you”
James Phelps said “Shocked & sad to hear Alan Rickman has passed away. One of the nicest actors I’ve ever met.Thoughts and prayers with his family at this time”
Oliver Phelps said “Terribly sad news about the passing of Alan Rickman. A funny and engaging person who put a shy young actor at ease when I was on HP.”
Bonny Wright posted “Alan. The energy shifted every time you walked onto set. You were an inspiration to us all. RIP”
Natalie Tena tweeted “I can’t believe Alan Rickman’s dead. What?! Such an incredible actor, such a loss. R.I.P”
Warwick Davis said “So terribly sad to hear of the passing of Alan Rickman. Honoured to have shared the screen with him. He’ll be sorely missed.”
Chris Rankin said “Just had awful news of Alan Rickmans death. Utterly devastated. Nothing more to say at this time.”
Stan Yanevski tweeted, “RIP Alan Rickman (Severus Snape – Harry Potter series). It was an honor knowing and working with him. Sad,sad news. :(“
Obviously, my thoughts are with the Rickman family as I can understand the loss of a loved one from cancer. I know this sad feeling all to well as it has taken away many of my family members and a few friends.
Alan Rickman will always be at the top of my admiration list along with Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain and Paul Taffanel. In Rickman’s letter at the end of his Harry Potter career, he said
Three children have become adults since a phone call with Jo Rowling, containing one small clue, persuaded me that there was more to Snape than an unchanging costume, and that even though only three of the books were out at that time, she held the entire massive but delicate narrative in the surest of hands. It is an ancient need to be told stories. But the story needs a great storyteller. Thanks for all of it, Jo.
So I thank you, Alan Rickman, for your portrayal of your character’s on stage, but mostly for Severus Snape. Showing me that loyalty and determination are key in the factors of love. Showing me that despite people’s own dislike, you should not go your entire life trying to defend yourself. As long as you know you, and the people who you care about know you, then that’s what truly matters. Thank you for the talent that you have given to the world along with the laughs and dedication to the poor and starving. Your wise words will continue to influence me throughout my life and I just cannot thank you enough for the impact you have had on parts of my life. So I raise my wand to you, Alan Rickman, may you rest in peace and continue on in the afterlife as the wonderful person you have shown to the world. Your death is a tragedy and I will remember this day for quite a while, the day when I lost a role model. As Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore said, “To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.” May you journey on your next adventure and remain loved, admired, and respected.
As one fan, I can say this truly, I will never forget how you have impacted my life. Even years from now, after all this time, my answer will be

Always

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Single Bells, Single Bells. Singling all the way

Now this isn’t a post to complain about being single; hell I love it. Because for the first time in 4 YEARS, I’m single on Christmas.

4 YEARS

Now if you do those calculations, the last time this happened I was in 8th grade. This just suddenly came to me while watching SNL currently.

And lately I’ve just been seeing so many posts on facebook and on thought catalog about being alone for the holiday, but I’m not alone. I’m surrounded by love and friends and family. Christmas Eve will be spent at my Aunt’s house with the younglings (Me as the youngest) playing Clue. Christmas Day will be spent at my home where there will be dog love all around. Christmas music played on piano and perhaps flute and absolutely sung.

Not to mention I couldn’t imagine even having a significant other while I’m in college right now. With everything that I barely have time to do, how would I have time for anyone else? I barely see any of my friends as it is since I’m locked in my room doing homework or locked in a practice room working on my flute piece.

Not to mention that I’m a huge believer now of the saying “You can’t love anyone else if you can’t love yourself” and I’m so far from loving myself that I can barely love my eyeliner. And that’s saying something because, as most of my friends know, it’s the only thing I take pride in.

Now this isn’t to say that I don’t have someone I care about, I do. But that’s no one’s business but mine. But I can also say that it’s never going to happen. Alas – it’s for the better good anyways.

Anyways, I just thought that it’s been 4 years since a family-focused holiday. And I think it’s beautiful. Of course, I’m not insulting anyone who is in a relationship during the holidays – I mean, my entire family here is a couple. Well…no actually yeah. That’s true. I’ll be the only one. But anyways, back to my point. Props to anyone who is dating while in college, like damn how are you doing that?

Well, this might be my first rant post on my blog. Have a Happy Holidays everyone and a wonderful Merry Christmas.

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Sometimes I can’t tell if my Psychology Prof. is teaching us or analyzing us.

This past Semester I took a Psychology 111 course with a professor who we will call Dr. K. Now, Dr. K is a part-time professor and his full-time job is working at Prairie Saint Johns. I enjoyed his class so much that I signed up for his Personality Dynamic class next semester once again at 8:00 a.m on Tuesday and Thursdays for an hour and a half. One class hour, I counted how many times he said his signature phrase “You get the picture”. My final tally was 48 times in 1 class hour. I just wanted to dedicate a post to the amazing things that this professor has said during my class.

  1. My hatred of you keeps me coming back (this wasn’t directed at my class, this was something a client of his said to him)
  2. Does that make you uncomfortable?
  3. Stealing candy from a baby is actually really disgusting if you think about where that dirty mouth has been
  4. The reason why the poly glass is there while the baby walks across to their mother is because we don’t really like dropping babies
  5. Teenagers can have a lot of issues when it comes to sexual intercourse. Physically and mentally.
  6. Don’t you miss the good old times when you could run around naked and not worry about society’s morals?
  7. Deep down inside you really want to kill and eat your roommate because you’re hungry, but why don’t you just go to McDonalds?
  8. Eating your roommate is probably much better for your health than McDonalds though
  9. Why did you break into your neighbor’s house and get busted for shoplifting?
  10. And he chased us around the house with a knife, which was a little disconcerting
  11. Rage is like anger on steroids
  12. Kid, Kid, Kid. I shouldn’t put KKK should I?
  13. Our cat has a real obesity problem. Imagine an orange basketball with four legs
  14. Cats can’t be trained because they’re too stupid
  15. You’re far less likely to get sued if your client likes you
  16. You’re happy. It’s finals week. You get to go home, get some Christmas presents, get some cookies, wash some clothes.
  17. Anyone else can answer as well, Hal doesn’t have all of the answers (I go by Hal in this class because there are 4 Halies)
  18. We pay a lot of money to keep people who want to kill us in a building that we think should be comfortable for them.
  19. I don’t even understand Freud
  20. You get the picture

So thank you Professor K. for giving me a daily laugh and becoming part of my “Favorite Persons” list. I can’t wait to come back next semester and see what you to say then. Cheers!

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Breakdown #1

And so it has begun.

Countdown TI 11 days until I go home for Christmas Break

Countdown TI 10 days before I re-pack and then unpack in my new single room

Countdown TI 8 days to newly founded Hell Week Finals

And the day before all of this counting down begins, I’m already down with 2 mental breakdowns for the day.

I knew college was going to be hard before classes even started and before I even arrived during orientation week. But nothing could have prepared me for the helplessness and hopelessness I continually feel each and every day when it comes to getting up each morning.

  1. I currently am running a 101-degree fever
  2. I have my final draft of my major research paper due on Friday
  3. I need to study and review for Music Theory while keeping up with the new material that we are still learning
  4. I need to read my last Psychology chapter and start reviewing for the final
  5. I need to find my lost perspectives essay in order to include it in my course portfolio (and if all else fails, I then retype the entire 8-page paper)
  6. I need to start a presentation on childhood sexual abuse and the neurological and psychological effects that take place after it for my Inquiry final (this is also my major research paper)
  7. I need to make my secret Santa present for my floor exchange
  8. I need to make my secret Santa present for my Flute sectional exchange
  9. I need to start packing boxes for my new room
  10. I need to practice my tour music for Concordia Band
  11. I need to practice my flute choir music for my concert Saturday
  12. I need to practice my jury piece that I just received today and am performing in a week
  13. I need to perform a concert on Saturday
  14. I must go to a piano recital on Saturday for my last stamp on my stamp card (that and in order to not kill my mind)
  15. I need to find time to eat a decent meal since I haven’t been doing that for 2 weeks now
  16. I need to go out and buy supplies for my secret Santa gifts
  17. I need to go out and buy groceries because I won’t have time to leave my room
  18. I need to find time to sleep since I haven’t been doing that well either lately
  19. I need to finalize my schedule for next semester
  20. I need to not have another mental breakdown
  21. I need to practice all of my home exercises for physical therapy
  22. I need to go to my scheduled physical therapy appointments

I couldn’t be more blessed for the opportunity to study at Concordia College and explore my love of music and make a career out of it, but these next 2 weeks might actually kill me. I don’t think I can make it, and if I do make it, it won’t be with flying colours. Not to mention I am all out of my migraine medication and my anxiety medication.

My goals for this week and next are as follows

  1. Don’t kill my mind
  2. Don’t die
  3. Do my homework
  4. Study for finals
  5. Pass my finals
  6. Hopefully, pass all of my classes because of passing my finals
  7. Don’t relapse
  8. Don’t give up
  9. Don’t hurt anyone verbally or physically
  10. Don’t lose the little sanity I have left right now

I hope everyone else has a very safe 2 weeks and manages through their finals without harming themselves or anyone else. As I cannot promise any of those, I will just conclude by saying,

I can sure as hell try but it probably won’t happen.

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Secrets at Night

Everyone has those nights where they lie in bed for hours either staring at the ceiling or with their eyes closed. It brings new meaning to “Just resting your eyes”. Everyone has experienced some sort of event like this where your mind just won’t shut down. Recently, my events have taken a toll on my own physical health to the point to where I’m not sleeping anymore because of how much I am thinking.

For example, last night, it started out with an embarrassing moment from Kindergarten where I called another classmate a dumbass. Yes I know, such vulgar language for such a young child. My mind then moved onto other embarrassing details to the point where it reached 6th grade. This was when the thoughts turned into nightmares and this is when I actually fell asleep. I wish I had never fallen asleep because I’ve been walking on eggshells all day.

My brain took the path of 6th grade along the lines of the bullying I was subjected to everyday. It’s almost as if I relived that entire grade in the matter of an hour of “sleep”. When I woke up, my entire body was sore and painful, almost as if I had actually relived the physical bullying I had received. Like being thrown against a brick wall, pushed into a locker, or being pushed down 2 flights of stairs where I crashed into another brick wall at the bottom of my trip. When I woke up, I had a massive migraine and an extremely sore back. I couldn’t get a proper footing climbing down my bunk bed and managed to fall onto the ground. Needless to say, with my injured leg of over 3 months, this was extremely painful.

It’s almost as if that these night terrors take a physical toll on me as well as mental. Hours later at 7 p.m, my migraine still has not gone away even though I have taken my medication, and my back is still very sensitive. People continuously asked me all day why I was in such pain. I just simply said that I must have slept wrong. But I know this to not be true.

I slept on my back all night, still as a log, but my mind took it’s toll on me and managed to affect me physically. I still don’t understand why but I feel it may have something to do with the tension a body undergoes during stress and fear.

But sadly, telling the person “I had night terrors all night and my body was under the stress all night and now I’m in physical pain because of issues my mind cannot seem to recover from, not matter how much help I receive.” isn’t the proper response.

So, as far as everybody should be concerned with, I simply slept wrong.12190130_1191457397534603_8331706759306819721_n

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