Judgement.

All my life, I’ve always thought myself to be a good character of judgment. I’ve been confident in the people I trust and who I let into my life, but looking back, there’s been a few times where I’ve been wrong. The thing with this is, is it my fault for trusting them or their fault for the wrongs they’ve done?

I’m sure we’ve all had that moment where we’ve had to say goodbye to someone. Maybe it was a close friend or someone we were romantically involved with. Either way, we’ve had to let people walk out of our life. Sometimes we ask them to go, sometimes we tell them to go and they refuse, sometimes they leave on their own with no warning, and other times it’s a mutual understanding.

Some people would say that it’s giving up on them, I say it’s giving up on something toxic.

Occasionally, we never see it until it’s too late and the damage has already been done. But, the damage can also be what builds us up and helps make us a better person.

Throughout my life, I’ve let a lot of friendships go. Some of them dissolved on their own, some of them I broke off for different reasons, and others just left. Do I miss these friendships? Yes and no. Let me explain why.

I miss the memories, and the feelings that were there during that friendship. I miss the good times that happened and the bond with another person. I don’t miss that person though. I am able to separate the memories and feelings from the actual person. This is especially important when it is someone extremely toxic and hurtful.

As for relationships, well there are some people I still talk to, and some people I do not. I think that’s fairly normal for some people. I bare no ill will to any of them what so ever, because it’s happened and I’ve moved on. Those connections have helped make me who I am today, so I don’t regret any of them that happened.  It allows me to move on; to find someone who I connect with and care about.

I bring this topic up because I found a box of mementos last night in my closet. It was full of letters and drawings from people I still talk to, and people I haven’t spoken to or seen in years. I reminisced over the memories that those brought, and I shed a few tears for something that was lost. I looked at journals and read what my life was like at certain times. I spent half the time yelling at younger me and half the time cheering for younger me. I saw the pain that I wrote about when something happened, and it made me realize that at the time, I never thought I would feel anything other than sorrow or anger. But here I am, and I feel none of those things anymore.

Going back to my original question, is it my fault for trusting them or their fault for the wrongs they have done? It depends. I try not to blame myself for trusting people, because I obviously trusted them for  reason. As for their fault with the wrongs? Depends on the wrongs. Because I know I have done some wrongs in my life, but I know I haven’t done a despicable wrong. If someone has purposely and intentionally hurt you, that is their fault. It is not your fault. You are not required to keep in contact with someone who has hurt you. No matter what.

It’s been a difficult few days and this has been weighing heavily on my mind for a few weeks so I decided to write. I started this article out crying and not being able to breathe really. Now I’m calm and relaxed. I feel better. All I can hope is that this can help anyone. That’s really what my goal is for anything I write.

Yes I write because it makes me feel better and I can put everything I need to into words, but I also write in the hope that maybe someone else who is in a similar situation can find some solace in this. It’s only a hope.

But it’s a hope I’m willing to believe in.

I would just like to take a moment and thank a few people. I would like to thank my friends who have stuck by my side and are there for me no matter how much or little we speak or see each other. I would like to thank some family for being supportive and being able to show me the positives when I cannot see them myself. I would like to thank a few specific people, but not by name. Thank you for believing in me, and giving me something to believe in. Thank you for caring for me and allowing me to be apart of your life. I am so very grateful for the people that I have in my life at the moment. When I look at the bigger picture, it doesn’t look as bad as some days feel. This is because of you. So thank you, all of you.

I love you.

 

 

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About kyrinian

Just an exhausted college student who doesn't like to talk to people in person about what she's thinking.
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